Getting Comfortable Giving Feedback
Do you dread giving feedback, especially when it involves poor performance? As a former HR professional and leadership coach, I’ve worked with countless leaders and executives who wanted to get it right—but didn’t know how. The truth is, this is a skill you can learn. With the right mindset and a little practice, giving feedback can become one of your most empowering leadership tools.
There are many types of feedback you provide as a leader—recognition, coaching, setting expectations, course corrections during projects, or even quick encouragement in the hallway. But the kind of feedback we’re talking about here? It’s the tough kind.
It’s when you’ve tried reminders, coaching, support, and clarity… and the issue continues. This is the feedback that’s necessary when you’ve exhausted every option and now must address behavior or performance directly, because it’s affecting the employee’s success and impacting the team.
The good news is, when giving feedback is done well, both the individual and team’s performance can improve by up to 25%. The benefit is definitely worth the discomfort—and by the end of this article, giving feedback will feel much easier.
The Real Reason Leaders Avoid Feedback
Let’s talk about the real reason leaders avoid feedback. One of the biggest obstacles isn’t about what to say—it’s what’s happening in your own head. You’re focused on your own discomfort:
- “I don’t have time.”
- “What if they cry?”
- “I’m not confident I’ll handle it well.”
- “We’ve already had this conversation.”
These are what we call B-Game thoughts. They’re your most out-of-balance ways of thinking—often, but not always—rooted in self-judgment and fear.
But remember, leading people isn’t just your responsibility—it’s your opportunity to serve your team. It’s the part that creates the greatest net value. And your team is counting on you to address what others may be too afraid to say.
Delaying difficult conversations doesn’t make things easier. It makes them messier. Unaddressed issues affect morale, trust, productivity, and culture.
And for many companies, where payroll is often your largest expense, even small performance improvements can have a big impact on your bottom line. That’s why investing your time and energy into feedback isn’t just a relational strategy—it’s a business one.
👉 Curious about YOUR B-Game? Want to learn what’s causing you to avoid providing feedback? Click here to schedule a chat.
Prepare Yourself Mentally
The best way to reduce anxiety is to prepare. Here’s how:
- Clarify your purpose. Are you correcting a behavior? Setting expectations? Offering coaching?
- Anticipate emotional responses. Think ahead so you can stay grounded.
- Choose the right setting. Quiet, private, uninterrupted.
- Let go of perfection. This isn’t about being flawless. It’s about being clear and kind.
- Expect silence. Processing takes time. Don’t rush it.
This is also where your mindset matters most. To shift into a Valuegenic mindset, ask yourself The Central Question of Life, Love, and Leadership:
👉 “What choice can I make, and action can I take, right now, to create the greatest net value or the best outcome for all concerned?”
Here’s an example: One leader I coached struggled with B-Game thinking—self-doubt and fear of not getting it right. They shared with me, “At first, I was so nervous. But when I stopped worrying about myself and focused on helping the other person, everything shifted. I could think more clearly and be more empathetic.”
That’s how a valuegenic mindset helps you create better outcomes and more value.
Remember: just because it may feel scary or awkward doesn’t mean it’s wrong. You can do this. Growth often happens at the edges of your comfort zone.
Don’t Skip Documentation
Effective feedback starts long before the conversation. Documentation matters. Gather your notes—whether digital or handwritten. Be sure to:
- Be factual. Stick to dates and details.
- Keep it objective. Focus on actions and results.
Good documentation helps you stay calm, clear, and on point. Having notes allows you space for listening and helps you pace the conversation.
If you’re struggling with documentation or preparation, consult with your HR team or a senior leader.
Listen Like a Leader
Listening is your leadership superpower in challenging conversations. During the conversation:
- Let them know you may use notes. It shows preparation and care. It also builds safety, not suspicion.
- Don’t interrupt. Focus on what they’re saying.
- Reflect back what you hear: “So what I’m hearing is…” to confirm understanding.
- Watch for non-verbal clues: body language and tone.
- Be empathetic. And if emotions escalate, take a break. Then return grounded in care and purpose.
Keep in mind: this conversation isn’t just about performance. It’s about connection. It’s your opportunity to help—while also holding them accountable.
Deliver the Feedback Clearly and Kindly
Now it’s time to deliver the feedback clearly and kindly.
First, nix the outdated “sandwich method”—starting with praise, sliding in the hard truth, then ending with more praise. This method is no longer recommended since it buries the real message and leaves employees feeling confused.
A better approach is:
- Start with something genuine. Affirm their value to the team.
- Be clear and direct. State the issue in terms of behavior and impact.
- Avoid generalizations. Be specific and concrete.
- Invite collaboration. Ask: “How can we help you improve?”
💬 Example: “You’re always on time and we know we can count on you. However, recently it seems you’re struggling to keep up. We’ve had two client complaints recently that you didn’t follow up with the information they needed. Is there something we can do to help you ensure this doesn’t happen again?”
Remember, it’s important to be responsible for your mistakes, and accountable for your actions in the future. And when leaders model that accountability with empathy, it opens the door for honest, forward-focused dialogue.
These conversations are often where real leaders are built—not because they have all the answers, but because they are willing to step into discomfort with courage and care.
Why It’s Worth It
Imagine a culture where feedback is normal. It feels safe and encouraged. What if your team saw feedback as guidance—not criticism—and an opportunity to improve, grow, and succeed?
Companies that provide regular, thoughtful feedback see:
- 40% higher engagement
- 14.9% lower turnover
And more importantly? You build a culture of trust, openness, and shared ownership.
When feedback becomes a regular part of your leadership rhythm, you also create a space where employees feel safe bringing things to you.
They might be facing personal health challenges, caring for a loved one, or feeling overwhelmed in ways you can’t see. In giving feedback, you may be opening the door to insights you didn’t know you needed—and can offer a chance to support them before performance or morale suffers further.
Often, someone’s performance isn’t the only issue. And when your people trust that you’ll handle tough topics with care and clarity, they’re more likely to speak up before things fall apart.
In speaking with a client recently, they shared their company’s response to their health crisis. Instead of feeling pressure to rush back to work, they were reassured that everything was being handled. They were encouraged to take care of themselves first. The client shared that the way their employer handled the situation exceeded their wildest expectations.
It’s moments like these—when support shows up without asking—that deepen trust and loyalty. And it all begins with regular, open feedback that invites conversation, builds connection, and reminds your people: they matter here.
That’s what a valuegenic culture feels like to people.
Valuegenic Culture of Care
Developing a valuegenic culture of care, where giving feedback is a normal, healthy part of your workplace, takes time. And when that culture is in place, every conversation, especially the difficult ones, becomes an opportunity.
When you learn to give feedback well, you:
- Reduce your stress
- Strengthen your relationships
- Improve your team’s performance
- Grow as a leader
- and much more!
So, the next time you face a challenging conversation, breathe and anchor yourself in purpose. Embrace it as an opportunity for growth, for both you and your team member. Maybe you’ll stop dreading giving feedback and start seeing it as a tool to create real, lasting value.
👉 Curious about YOUR B-Game? If you want more insights on your B-Game, feeling more confident in giving feedback, or becoming a valuegenic leader, Click here to schedule a chat.
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Kristin Clark is an Axiogenics LLC Partner and Certified Axiogenics Coach. She’s the owner of Insight Coaching and co-author of Living a Richer Life; It’s All in Your Head, which she proudly wrote with her dad. Kristin has trained and coached hundreds of owners, executives, and leaders from diverse backgrounds, beliefs, industries, and professions in the pursuit of becoming Valuegenic Self-Leaders. She guides individuals in mastering their A-Game to enrich every aspect of life.
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