Why Does Everyone Feel So Exhausting?

Ever hang up the phone and think, “Why is everyone so exhausting?” Or maybe you start a new job or get a new boss—yet somehow, you keep running into the same headaches.

Here’s the thing: a Harvard study found that 95% of people think they’re self-aware, but only 10–15% actually are. That’s an 80-point gap. It’s like believing you’re a brilliant driver while your glovebox is stuffed with speeding tickets.

So if your life feels like a never-ending parade of clueless people… it may be time to take a look in the mirror. Odds are, one of those “clueless people” might be you.

Let’s look at five common signs that you might actually be the problem—and simple ways to flip the script.

B-Game vs. A-Game: A Quick Context

You weren’t born this way. None of us were. These patterns are habits shaped by your life experiences. Over time, they become automatic—so fast you don’t even notice.

That’s what I call your B-Game. It’s reactive, protective, and it runs on autopilot. And because it’s often unconscious, it’s hard to spot in yourself.

But here’s the good news: you can learn to shift into your A-Game—your best thinking, used on purpose. And when you do, the whole picture changes.

1. You Always Think You’re Right

Do you leave meetings convinced you were the lone voice of reason? Maybe someone offers a suggestion, and before they even finish their sentence, you jump in with your smarter, more logical solution.

Sure, you win the argument… but you may lose the relationship.

That’s usually a B-Game reflex—it’s about protecting your sense of control, not about creating value.

Try this quick test: can you repeat, word for word, the last thing the other person said? If not, you probably weren’t listening—you were just preparing your next point.

The shift: practice the two-sentence rule. Repeat their point out loud, then ask a curious follow-up. It’s amazing how much sharper you’ll sound—and how much more people will want you on their team.

2. You Refuse Responsibility

When something goes wrong, is your first instinct to say, “Not my fault”? Maybe you rattle off excuses. Maybe you even throw a colleague under the bus.

Blame feels like armor, but it’s really a straitjacket. You’re the captain of a sinking ship, blaming the ocean.

Nothing can change if you never accept your part in the problem.

The shift: before you blame anyone else, give yourself 24 hours to identify three ways you contributed—even if it was minor. Then say those out loud.

Responsibility is an A-Game move. Blame is a B-Game habit. One builds trust, the other builds walls.

3. You’re Chronically Critical

Are you constantly finding fault—with everything and everyone?

By 8 AM, you’ve criticized how your partner loads the dishwasher.
By lunch, you’ve made it clear the team’s presentation is a mess.
By your commute home, you’re silently cursing every slow driver.

This chronic criticism? That’s your B-Game—judgmental, perfectionistic, and unrealistic—running the show.

You may justify it as “high standards.” But here’s the truth: criticism usually says more about what’s going on inside you than what’s happening around you.

The shift: focus on what truly creates value. Separate what matters from what doesn’t. Honestly, how the dishwasher gets loaded usually doesn’t matter.

Reframe your thoughts:

  • Say, “I appreciate when you load the dishwasher.”
  • Think, “I’m lucky to have a partner who shares chores.”
  • In traffic, remind yourself, “This gives me more time to catch up on my favorite podcast.”

And for things that do matter? Instead of, “These slides are a mess,” say, “Could we try one headline per slide so the message is crystal clear?”

Your standards stay high—but resistance to your feedback goes way down.

4. You Dodge Conflict or Go Silent

Do you shut down when tension appears? Maybe you mutter, “I’m fine,” hoping the issue dissolves—only to explode weeks later because someone didn’t replace the toilet paper roll.

Silence feels peaceful, but it’s just delayed conflict. It’s like covering a crack in a dam with poster putty. Pressure builds… until the whole thing bursts.

Researcher John Gottman calls this stonewalling—and it’s one of the top predictors of breakups and failed relationships.

The shift: use the five-minute rule. Raise the issue within five minutes of noticing it. No blame, just clarity: “Hey, I noticed we left that meeting with different assumptions—can we sync up?”

Stonewalling is pure B-Game. It feels protective in the moment, but it erodes trust. Your A-Game leans into the discomfort, knowing that on the other side is connection.

5. You Get Defensive

Last one: defensiveness.

Someone offers feedback, and you explain why they’re wrong.
Your partner reminds you of something you forgot, and you snap, “I said I’d do it later.”
A friend says, “Hey, you were late,” and you launch into excuses about traffic and meetings.

Defensiveness is pure B-Game—it protects your ego, not the relationship. And it shuts down trust. If people know they’ll always get pushback, eventually they just stop speaking.

The shift: pause before you react. Even if your brain is screaming, “That’s not fair!” try, “Can you tell me more about that?”

Curiosity signals A-Game. It shows you care more about learning than about looking perfect. Conversations change quickly when you stop defending and start listening.

Final Thoughts: Progress, Not Perfection

So let’s tally:

  • Always right.
  • Allergic to blame.
  • Hyper-critical.
  • Conflict-avoidant.
  • Defensive.

If two or more rang the bell, congratulations—you’ve just found the easiest person you can change (in case you need help, it’s YOU!). These five signs aren’t character flaws, though; they’re B-Game habits you picked up along the way. And like any habit, they can be shifted. That’s what self-leadership is all about—using your best thinking, your A-Game, on purpose.

Think of these habits as doorways to opportunity. Pick one. Try a 7-day mini-experiment. Notice what shifts.

And remember: it’s about progress, not perfection.

If you’re concerned and ready to explore how these patterns might be affecting your leadership, let’s chat.  Axiogenics Valuegenic Self-Leadership Development coaching, training, and consulting may be the transformation you’ve been looking for!

If you’re not ready to chat, but want to take a step in the right direction, check out How to Make Your Life Work Better  to download the Free Guide: The One Question That Changes Everything.

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Kristin Clark is an Axiogenics LLC Partner and Certified Axiogenics Coach. She’s the owner of Insight Coaching and co-author of Living a Richer Life; It’s All in Your Head, which she proudly wrote with her dad. Kristin has trained and coached hundreds of owners, executives, and leaders from diverse backgrounds, beliefs, industries, and professions in the pursuit of becoming Valuegenic Self-Leaders.